I want to tell woman that they can do have choices, even if it seems a bit tricky in the beginning of a breast care and/or cancer journey.
First, let’s do an inventory of things I could have chosen to do, or not to do, in my care journey:
- Not skip a screening: Yes, my choice
- Choose my doctor, technology and sites: Yes, my choice in the country where I live
- Accept and find personal means to increase my chances to heal: Yes, my choice
- Reconstruction or not: Yes, my choice
I would like to tell you my story and explain how my mind and body evolved to take my decision on reconstruction. I often receive questions from women really early in their journey, and I want them to know that our mindsets do change and evolve and today I’m glad I took my time to reflect on my choices.
Independently of the “how”, I knew that this decision would impact my mental and physical reconstruction for the rest of my life. I took time to reflect.
So, here’s my reconstruction story and decision path.
The night before my planned lumpectomy, I was alone in my room at the clinic, my family had just left. My husband and I made the decision to ask the surgeon to “take it all”, meaning my whole breast. All we wanted was to get rid of my cancer, at any cost. The latest images showed a much bigger lump than initially spotted* and we knew that my surgeon hadn’t seen those results yet.
I had received those results before him, the same day, just before coming to the clinic. Therefore, I thought as well that he couldn’t possibly maintain the same protocol and I wanted to change it. You see how a care path can be confusing…
My surgeon entered the room during his round. I nearly jumped on him and asked: -Did you see the latest results, it’s not a small lump, it’s a big lump!! He grabbed the file. Indeed, something we thought was small, like just a few millimeters, measured in fact several centimeters. But he did not change the protocol he said, and we should still go for this lumpectomy.
I insisted he take another look, and the sentence came out of my mouth instinctively
” In my mind, I am ready, doctor! If I wake up after surgery without my breast, it’s ok for me. I give you my authorization to take it!”
He told me that it wasn’t possible, the lumpectomy needed to take place first. If I knew what I was about to experience, I would have insisted more…
Only a few days after this surgery, I got the results of the analysis. Not good of course. I was back to the clinic again after a few very painful days, to finally proceed to a mastectomy. I already wanted that so badly, 10 days before. I was ready for it, but those 10 days were honestly the most painful ones I experienced. My pain threshold was so low…. We had tinged “my enemy” with that first surgery and I could feel his revenge within my breast. I prepared myself too…bye bye to my breasts with a mastectomy.
I truly hope every woman can “disconnect” from their breasts the same way I did so fast. I eliminated all emotional thoughts of motherhood and other symbolic representations. I just had to, in order to feel ready and to accept it. To feel that it’s my choice. Indeed, back to my blog and the “acceptance” and self-awareness. We’re about to become someone else.
I felt so relieved after my mastectomy. And, since I already started to write down everything in my diary, I took a selfie to illustrate my text. Strangely, I smile, and you can read in my eyes that I felt good. I felt relieved from all the pain. Such a big mental burden was taken away with that mastectomy. I felt good!
At a very early stage I felt proud of being different. I looked for some nice underwear, an association and feeling of belonging to other Amazon women’s communities. I started looking for professional and specialized tattoo institutions that I would go to once my treatments were over and my scars were fully healed. I saw women with tattoos covering that hypersensitive area of the breast with flowers or other symbols that women seem to choose in order to help them accept their new bodies. It’s amazing to see what some women chose…whoever they are, wherever they live, and whatever social status they have, tattoos shape their new life.
I personally thought that I had to decide, in a very early stage in my journey what to do. So, I decided to stay Amazon -like and build up a fantasy world where I’m a heroic warrior that has had her breast taken away to be able to better use an arch in the battles. Why not? I already felt somewhat androgyne, no breast, no hair. I had already entered into that role and story…
Slowly but steadily it became evident that I had to remove my second breast too, to ease me from worries and risk of a recurrence cancer. Hence, my plans and mindset evolved with those changes.
Let’s call them long term plans, because my reconstruction and choices took months. And I still wasn’t ready. I could have pushed harder and faster, but I wanted to let my body recover a little bit after all the surgeries and treatments. I could feel that my pain threshold had decreased, which is a clear signal that I had to slow down.
I could only start to envision any reconstruction after about 1 year. Only when all treatments were behind me (cell therapy and radiotherapy). So, I checked out all the techniques and discussed every option with my surgeon. Discover different techniques here.
The reconstruction technique I chose was to use the expander. I didn’t want more scars, resulting from other possible reconstruction options. The expander is a very common breast reconstruction technique. It’s a tissue expansion, which involves expansion of the breast skin and muscle. It looks like a flat breast implant, and on a regular basis you have to inject more liquid to enlarge the expander. The injections are done until the ideal size has been reached and enough place made under the skin to receive a real breast implant. After a couple of months, my own expander was removed and replaced by a permanent breast implant. Same on both sides.
I can’t say honestly it was very comfortable, and frankly it was even annoying, but back again to the acceptation of pain and positivity. I was about to get “brand new breasts.” Some women chose implants even without a breast cancer, so why should I complain? Pure happiness to discover 2 new friends.
But let me share a small warning: your partner will most probably ask, with a glint in the eye, to join for one of the appointments with the surgeon to “choose the size”. Deception ahead (LOL). It’s a funny moment and I could see the light at the end of my tunnel at this stage. My husband too.
Today, I’m recovering from numerous surgeries, several were unplanned due to unexpected complications. I have started to feel ready to put the “cherry on the cake”, if I may say. I plan to do my 3D nipple tattoo. You can see the article on this same site, by Alexia Cassar. I will let you discover how she helps women to accept their bodies after breast cancer. Pretty amazing stuff.
In any case, there’s so much you can do….and that I could do, to win back some of the self-esteem I clearly lost on the road.
I still have some way to go, but it’s just amazing the feeling of wearing a bra and actually having something in that bra. I still consider that I became someone else, but clearly, my reconstruction helped me to find pieces of the woman and the mother I used to be. I won back some self-esteem and awareness. I owe this to my loved ones and to myself.
I always tell myself that things could have looked differently and so I am thoroughly grateful for what I have today.
So, make sure you choose the best, because you’ll need it and…. because you deserve it.
You’re all heroes. So, please tell me, what have you decided to do?
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