This chapter is the natural step after my previous blog on my reconstruction that I hope you had the opportunity to read.
It’s very important for me to explain that the tunnel that I had to go through to beat my breast cancer, was transformational.
I entered as Cecilia V1.0 and came out on the other side as Cecilia V2.0. I can’t give an image other than this one to make my feelings more tangible for you. I entered this tunnel thinking I would get out on the other side recognizing everything I left behind me. That I would pick up everything from where I left it, go back to my normal life, my old habits, friends, activities, colleagues and work.
I was fighting for that, to heal and put this challenging experience behind me. I wanted to reach that light in the end of the tunnel as quickly as possible. That exit represented the one direction to take and to get back to normal. I didn’t want anything else, just resume from where I left it, the minutes and hours before I felt my lump in between my fingers after my shower that day in January 2015. I wanted to again become, at any cost, that highspeed train I was before breast cancer hit me.
When seeing the light in my tunnel, I was convinced that the day I get out there, I would celebrate and party like never before. I was so convinced that I would feel sooooo happy and relieved. Just shake everything off me and forget.
I realize that many may feel the same thing, will react differently, but the more I speak with you, the more I realize that we’re many to feel the same thing when we finally are getting out on the other side. Some may feel confused, some feel disappointed, alone, sad or frustrated, especially when all treatments and surveys are over. No one is there to bring such significant attention to you anymore. We got so used to be up front, always. No worries ladies, many do claim they are just as happy as before, even happier, like I am almost every day. Still, some days are not easy and I do understand and can feel the same from time to time, scared, anxious, misunderstood, alone with sleepless nights when undergoing control exams…you never know. What if?
But, positivity takes over. It has to take over to find the strength needed to keep going, to believe and trust all will be fine. I’m the key actor and I must influence my destiny with everything I’ve learned. Education and lifestyle can be lifesaving, therefore, my willingness to share.
What I say resonates to many, the feeling of being “different”. It’s a very weird feeling, if I may express it like this. I would have expected pure happiness and to end up dancing and jumping around, but that never happened when I got out of that tunnel and back to work.
What was preventing me from doing that and feeling like that?
It’s because I had become “different”, indeed, while the others around me still remained nearly the same.
So many times I was told what I understood in one year, what might take a lifetime for others to understand. So here I was, transformed into a super powerful warrior, positive, seeing no problems, only solutions. I had eliminated all reasons for complaining about the few things that could disturb me before, and that had become insignificant now.
But those small insignificant things, remained big and disturbing for the people that surrounded me. Actually, I realized that I had ended up on a very different planet than my colleagues and even my family.
I entered into a very complex period on how to balance the equation of what is important vs not important. What is a problem vs what is clearly not a problem. I see a straightforward road in front of me, when others see only curves. I see a small hill to climb, when other see the Mount Everest.
I had put great effort to rebalance the equation, at work, with my friends and family and it takes time to feel more peaceful and accept that the others don’t see the things from my lenses.
I became more than a highspeed train when back on track and back to work. No time to lose and you never know what the future is made off! Not even one year after my treatments, I undertook the project of buying a house with my family. Me, head of operations, leading and pushing the whole project with stakeholders. But, imagine my surprise, when me, the super powerful woman, that won ALL battles, with a great job and intact salary, was being refused access to a bank credit, with no insurance company wanting me, not even with sky high rates. In the very moment I had started to value the most my achievements and finally appreciating the person I’ve become, the system and society threw me back to ground zero. They didn’t believe in me, I wasn’t worth a single dollar. I clearly hit a second wall…Happily we’re resilient in our family and we overcame the obstacles thanks to my loving husband, never giving up either.
Back to work, I though it should be easy. I’m forever grateful for the support my company and leadership gave me during my absence. They were that light at the end of the tunnel. They were waiting for me and I couldn’t have received more sincere attention and such great trust in me, that I would make it. I could feel and sense the purpose of my company. But again, I didn’t come out on the other side the same. So, today I’m changing my path, very naturally within my company. I continue to be a very lucky girl and can do more of what I value the most today…Patient Experience and Advocacy. I can be there for woman, when they need it the most. We can never be too many advocates and heroes to support each other. All of us in our own ways. I found my way and I’m so happy! Truly happy! I have a great job, I consider myself a woman, not a patient any longer. I learned so much and cannot stay without sharing and helping to improve lives, day by day, with small things, that can have an impact for woman and for a whole life.
When you get out of the tunnel, you need to find your way! So many great new perspectives can be offered to us. Trying to find the right balance between all parties is challenging, but I know that the day I understood that I can more easily adapt to the others, than the other way around, it made everything so much easier. I had too many high expectations of people that never would be able to understand what I really feel and think, without undergoing the same experience and tunnel. And this is not what I wish for them, so I need to go that extra mile that breast cancer demands from us, find the people we appreciate in the middle of the road!
You’re all heroes and let me know how you managed your “back-to-work” period and how you feel today.
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